Ayahuasca - My Healer

Ayahuasca medicine made from the brewing of two Amazonian plants - Banisteriopsis caapi and Psychotria viridis often engenders powerful visions in the drinker, allowing them to work through unresolved psychological issues, heal mental distress, and access inner strength and personal power. The three to eight hours of the ayahuasca journey has been likened by some to years of psychological therapy.

I am not looking for sympathy here only an understanding of what prompted me to take part in Ayahuasca ceremonies after learning that the medicine was a great healer.

My mother died aged 31 of tuberculosis when I was 10 years old and I lived with my father. He was a habitual drinker and used to enjoy going out to the pub leaving me in the house alone all night. A relative found out about this and reported him to Social Services who decided to take me away from my father.

After a Court Case I went to live with my maternal Grandfather and his second wife who was a complete bitch. My Grandfather did nothing to stop her cruelty.

For the next 8 years I suffered the most horrendous abuse. I was constantly yelled at, had things thrown at me, was beaten with objects and generally degraded and verbally abused all the time. Mental and physical abuse is just as bad as sexual abuse and after I left home I buried my anger and bad memories away deep down inside.

However, every now and again they would rise to the surface and I would be sad and angry. I could have sought help I hear you say, well yes I could but I did not want to speak to a counsellor who probably had no experience of child abuse only via a text book nor seek the help of conventional medicine, as I would probably be hooked on valium by now.

I dealt with it by talking to my mother hoping the dead could hear and crying millions of tears.

My father did not put up any fight against the authorities and has had no contact with me for decades. He very kindly married my Mum's "best friend" who had 6 children around 2 years after my Mum died and brought those children up as his own. He also had a liaison with another "friend" of my mother's about a month after I was taken away (and 3 months after my Mum died) which produced a half brother who I only found out about a few years ago.

In the 1960's child abuse in whatever form was not spoken of. Children were "seen and not heard" I was told I would not be believed, that I was a bad person and I was constantly threatened that I would be locked away if I told anyone anything. Any questions I asked were met with physical violence. I was sent either to my room containing just a bed and a chest of drawers when Social Workers came to visit (That was a rare occasion I can tell you) or sent to one of her relatives houses 3 doors away.

The Social Workers never asked to see me so she got away with her antics and obviously conned them into believing that everything was all right.

So I ask that next time you here or read about children from "broken homes" getting into trouble with the authorities or doing bad things, please do not try to judge them too harshly. I do not condone what they do but try to understand the reasons for their behaviour. They need so much help, and most of the things they do are just that, a cry for help.

Luckily I did not go down any of these paths, I was too terrified of authority but many do and although I am no psychologist, the reasons are very simple:

Drug and alcohol abuse - To forget their bad memories and see life through "other eyes"

Opposition to authority - Authority has let them down all their life be it Social Workers, Teachers or Bosses as no one has listened to their suffering

Stealing and Burglary - To have what they never had or to crave any attention as they have been deprived of it as a child

Single Parents - A need to be loved by someone

You may experience some nausea, possibly with vomiting. This is a phase you have to go through, so don’t fight it. It is considered part of the purification process. However, you will be aware during your journey if you need to vomit or run to the loo so do not be afraid! If you do vomit, it is not like being ill from over-eating, sickness or being drunk. You will feel cleansed.

This does not always happen so please do not let this put you off in any way. The others with you are too busy experiencing their own journeys to pay any attention to what you are doing!

You may experience a change in your hearing and it will become more acute. You may also start to see flashes of white light, and hear crackling or white noise. From here your journey can take any direction. As you enter other dimensions, leaving the plane of your physical body, a sense of floating in the air may occur.

You may have some visionary experiences showing landscapes with vivid colours, spiritual beings or mystical realms. You may be compelled to sleep and dream or to sleep and remember nothing. You may see snakes, insects, your ancestors, you may want to stay awake and enjoy your journey with your eyes open, you may see people you do not know. Each journey is individual and you will have your own personal one. You can read about each of mine further on…

To drink this medicine takes great courage and in my opinion it is best to go to the ceremony with a reason for doing what you are about to do. Ask your questions, if the Madre thinks you need to know the answers she will tell you. Let her take you by the hand and show you what you need to be shown.
If you see anything you do not like ask her to take you away from it. She knows what you need and will hear you. She has the power to heal you, and she will.

I was given the opportunity to go to a Brazilian Workshop Retreat to learn all about this plant and its magical powers. I was asked to go right out of the blue as no way could I have made it on my own. In fact, I had never even heard of Ayahuasca before. I will be forever grateful to the people who made this possible.

As soon as I knew I was about to do this, I could not stop thinking about it! I read as much as I could about this medicine's success stories that I knew in my heart that I just had to take it and somehow knew it was the answer to my own emotional healing. It was like something was saying to me "Come, I will show you things and I will heal you"

This retreat is not only for the drinking of Ayahuasca, it is also a place of teaching and healing. You follow a certain diet of yummy food which will detoxify your body and after a week you really will feel much better. It is set in a beautiful location and the accommodation is superb. The support staff are wonderful!

If you want to see the magical and beautiful place I stayed at follow this link:
www.heartoftheinitiate.com

My first journey was rather a disappointing experience to me. The ceremony consists of a Shaman being present who administers the medicine to you. First we all laid our mattresses, pillows and blankets down around a fire outside by the beach, listening to the waves breaking on the shore.

Then we went to see the Shaman in his cabana who was sat behind a low wooden table with his 2 jugs of Ayahuasca in front of him along with his fan of leaves, 2 candles, beads on the table and a wooden cup for each to drink out of.

He started to chant over the jugs and fanned them with the leaves, but before he did this he gave us a few warnings about wandering off near the fire, swimming pool or onto the beach for obvious reasons.

After he had finished his songs, we all took turns to kneel and drink the amount of medicine he gave to you. He spoke into the cup before he passed it to you.

I drank mine and despite warnings from experienced drinkers that "The stuff tastes absolutely vile" I found that it was not really that bad! Yes, it was a bit bitter tasting but I suppose it depends on your taste tolerance. I had also heard from others who had sampled the brew before that it gave them bad visions and scary dreams, and you could also find yourself running to the loo with the runs or vomiting in the bushes. So I whispered into my cup and asked Madre Ayahuasca "Please give me sweet dreams, nothing scary, I cannot handle anything scary"

The reason I call her Madre (Mother) I will explain about later.

I got my wish. Within 20 minutes I was put into a very deep sleep. It was not the sort of sleep where you doze then go to sleep in various stages; it was like someone had switched me off. I woke up after around 3 hours and had the most incredible urge to vomit. This I did twice behind a palm tree. I was also very drowsy for ages.

Apparently, this is known as "purging" or a cleansing process, and the more you vomit, the more cleansed you feel. It is not like being sick from being drunk, ill or over-eating, it really is a cleansing feeling and you also feel that you have got rid of any bad stuff lurking around in your body. Likewise with the urge to run to the loo even though I luckily did not suffer that fate! However, I did see quite a few running past me with some great urgency in the direction of the obvious.

I remembered nothing of my dreams that night and it was as if she had shut my body down to work on me as the day after I felt happy, alive and unbelievably content. Another thing the medicine does, your hearing is more acute, your vision is sharper and your senses of smell and taste are heightened. You notice nature more, things you have taken for granted and you see people for what they are and do not judge. It is like you have a new outlook on life, like you appreciate it more.
I had a deeper understanding of the people who were in the group. I knew one person was missing their little girl, one who had sadness in their life, one who had a particular question to ask at the next ceremony and I could feel a certain person's love for their children. I felt all these things by intuition.

After a couple of bottles of water (Ayahuasca made me incredibly thirsty) I came round from my drowsy state and went back to my room to sleep.

The day after I was listening to the stories of the others with great interest as they had had some super journeys. I must admit I did feel a bit left out as they had seen colours, coloured beads, colourful snakes and pretty lights, but as the next ceremony loomed I was determined to ask the Madre to help me and heal me so I could get on with my life without those damn bad memories creeping up on me and making me unhappy.

Catharsis is precipitated on the physical level as a vehicle for cleansing and detoxification. Spiritual catharsis occurs at a deeper level as Ayahuasca purges negativity, toxins, personal "baggage" and "garbage" accumulated through one's lifetime. The pace and depth of this process depends greatly on the willingness of the individual to surrender ego and pride to achieve the blessings of cleansing and rebirth.

The reason the medicine is referred to as a female such as Goddess, Mother and Madre etc is because when you are on your journey you will come into contact with her, you will feel a maternal presence. You may not see her but you may hear her, or you know she takes your hand. She may speak to you, she may just show you things she wants you to see but even if you do not hear her voice or see her face you just KNOW she is there, you can feel her and she is always with you.

After a days rest we met in the cabana in the afternoon, again we chose where we would lie down for our journeys on our mattresses with blankets and pillows. The Shaman told us that the journey may be a more intense experience as it was daylight and warned of the usual dangers of wandering off to the beach or pool.

We all drank our medicine. After the Shaman had spoken into my cup, I whispered to her not to show me anything scary again and to answer my questions if she would before I drank. Some of the group walked around a bit chatting before the onset and others lay down and waited on their mattresses.
As usual I was compelled to sleep again!

She arrived in the dark and I knew she was there as I could feel her warm glow all over me. I did not see colours, coloured beads, snakes or insects as the others had related they had seen the day before. I was suddenly aware that I was being analysed from my toes to my head. I could sense something feeling my body but it was like it was being done from inside my skin.

I asked in the darkness of my closed eyes, “What do you want to show me?” I was shown trees with faces on their trunks which were very grey, old and sad. I knew these people were my ancestors. A child alien appeared from below my line of vision. She had an oval head, dark shiny oval eyes and she was the colour of a dolphin. I only saw her head and shoulders.

It felt like I was floating forwards and I asked “Where are you taking me?” I floated towards a large box and I looked into this box and in it were large spikes of cold steel, they were a dull, drab grey colour and I could sense so much negativity from this box, it made me frown and feel so sad. Each spike began to float out of the box and they started to float past each of my ears! As they did so I was aware that each spike contained parts of my life.

It felt like all the junk I had ever crammed into my brain was being erased, it was like the running of a video tape very fast before your eyes as you watch it on the TV screen. Silly magazines, cheesy television programmes, bad memories, traumatic experiences, hurt, pain, they all went floating away. As the box emptied it was like weights had been lifted from my body and mind and I felt wonderful!

Next I was taken to a horse’s head; the horse was brown with a white nose. I remember thinking it was a moose at first but it was certainly a horse. On its forehead were 5 bright blue eyes. 3 in one line and 2 underneath. These eyes merged into one and it blinked at me a couple of times then disappeared.

I was next taken to the skeletal structure of a woman’s pelvis. I could see her spine, her femurs, and her ribs. There was a baby in her womb and as I got closer I saw that the baby was me. I looked up and saw her skull and all her upper body structure and looked down her legs to the bones of her feet. I was looking at the full skeleton of a woman. She had no features just a black shadowy outline of her body all around her skeleton.

The last thing I remember was floating down a very dark tunnel and then I awoke crying my eyes out, not through sadness but happiness. I felt like a new person, that I had been somehow given another chance and I felt like a child as I felt very mischievous and wanting to laugh out loud. I had to contain myself for the benefit of the others who were still asleep travelling. The Shaman’s wife saw me as I sat up and as she smiled at me I felt her maternal love for her child who was sleeping beside her.

I was very lucky that night as I did not vomit or run to the loo. I had had the most wonderful journey and I felt that my past life was over and that night was a new beginning. I tried to go back into my journey to see if there was anymore for me to be shown. I closed my eyes but my journey was over, there was nothing more.
I was never frightened on this journey as even though I was shown some pretty unusual things, she was with me and I knew I was safe.
Some people can actually wake up and then drift back to see more, if the Goddess wants to show you more that is, but for me she decided my healing session was over …..For that day anyhow

Abreaction is a process of regression back to the situation or source of a problem or trauma. This process allows you to relive the experience to gain new understanding and insight enabling resolution or closure. The frequent result is a liberation from guilt or fear might have bound you. The process often results in re-evaluation of your life course with strong tendency and resolution to pursue positive changes to improve your life with renewed purpose and mission.

After my last journey I spent all the day after trying to make sense of it all. My past life had flown away past my ears and I felt like a little girl again but this time I was a happy one. I used to get angry with my mother for dying and leaving me, then feel guilty and tell her that I loved her; I’d get angry with God for letting it happen to me, testing his power by asking him to make it stop as he had the power to do so. When he didn’t, I used to yell at him all the more. I also got angry with myself for not speaking out.

I tried to think about my past childhood as some sort of mind test and yes, it was there but I now had a new attitude to it all. It was a case of “It happened, now it’s gone, it’s over” I felt no emotional pain, no sadness, no anger and no bitterness towards my past or the people responsible anymore.

So as I knew this night was to be our last Ayahuasca ceremony I was dubious about taking part. I felt that maybe I had been shown all there was to see and I was cured. Was there any more to see or learn? Were there any more questions I needed to ask her? I pondered about this all day and something told me to journey once more…

Again we went through the usual ritual and I once again whispered into my cup after the Shaman. I drifted off to sleep this time and started to see beads of various bright colours and a hissing noise in my ears. A snake appeared from the right hand side of my visionary field and he was black with an outline of dark green. I smiled at him and I knew he meant me no harm, he was looking at me through one eye at the side of his head, but his eye was not a snake’s eye. It was orangey yellow and the pupil was a black slit like a big cats. His black forked tongue was poking out but did not move. I watched him for a while and in the background I saw a bright pink snake being swallowed by a bright yellow snake.

I asked again to see my ancestors. Being a person with very dark eyes, hair and skin I have always wondered about my ancestry. I tan very easily, have never been sunburned and can cope with extreme heat temperatures. So I asked the Madre again if she could tell me for sure who my ancestors were.

I was taken to a hut where I saw four short in stature people who had black straight hair, tanned skin with grey cloths around their bottom bits. I did not see their faces but they were hanging by their necks from ropes from the roof. I was not shocked by this but knew I was somehow related to these people. I did not wonder at the time why they had been strung up like that or by whom but it was one of the first things on my mind when I awoke.

I saw a big fly next but it had long spider legs, I told the Goddess not to show me anything scary so it disappeared.

I asked her if I could see my mother again. I was taken down some wooden steps to a glass display case. It was like then ones where you look at animals in a zoo where the glass is at the top and stonework to the bottom. My father aged around 19 was in there (He was 19 when he got me) He had the hairstyle of the 1960’s with the quaff and Brylcreem and he was wearing an orange shirt. I could only see his head and shoulders. In the display with him were people in various stages of death and decay. Some were crinkly and grey, some were decomposed, some were skin and bone and others were just plain skulls.

I felt nothing when I saw this sight, just curiousity. I asked again to see my mother. She showed me an alien mother who was transparent surrounded by a brilliant white light. The mother was holding a baby alien, the miniature of herself and it was really cute! I could see all the veins and arteries under the skin and head of this baby. I could feel nothing but love all around me.

So as I thought I was not going to be allowed to see my mother, I asked what the future holds for my sons, and named them. For the eldest the reply I got was another brilliant white light, an arch and a bride and groom appearing through both walking towards me. The groom was my eldest son in a morning suit, the bride was in white with a veil covering her facial features. My womb swelled up and felt very warm and I was conscious of a baby in it, I knew the feeling well due to past experience of course.

I remember feeling a little panicky at this stage due to my age but she told me it was my first grandchild. I asked if the bay would be a boy or a girl and I was shown the genital organs of a baby girl along with a bright pink flower whose species I cannot name. I was ecstatic by now at this news and asked about my second son. I was shown a yellow path which was winding into the sun. Bright different coloured pebbles appeared and were dropped down the middle of the path one by one, like the lines on a road. I was told he would be going on a journey but a happy one.

A woman’s arm appeared from the right before my eyes and her hand was clenched around a glass. In it was a red and white packet of cigarettes. It was not an English pack but the soft top variety and I could see a few sticking out. I was just about to take one when her hand crushed the pack and the glass disappeared. Next she made me listen to my breathing very loudly and I could hear every wheeze and gurgle amplified in my ears. I told her I had got the message!

Two pyramids were next to be seen one on top of the other point to point. The lower one was made of sand coloured square bricks and the top one was clear glass. The glass one was teetering like it was going to fall at any moment.

I did not understand that so again I asked to see my mother, and if she did not want to show me I would understand it was not to be. I did not see her but an absolutely massive bright light appeared before me and I felt my mother’s love. I knew she was there watching me and I was wrapped in the most wonderful shroud of love and happiness. I felt her arms around me and I felt so safe.

I bolted upright and was crying my heart out (again) and whispered “Thank You” to the Goddess for allowing me to feel my mother’s love once again.

Now I have peace

Borrowing the words of a wonderful man who I met at the workshop "This could put many a psycho-analyst out of business"

Written by Susan Bibby October 2007

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