My Story

Dear Ralph and All:

Although I have never met you, at some deeper level a connection has been made. I will share my story with you, may it serve and perhaps even inspire:

I came from an abused background (verbally, physically and sexually) and "living" was a foreign concept to me until recently. I was scared of everything, fear was the ruler of my world, and at I was at it's clutches. I felt helpless and even victimized, I started living in a world of sheer fantasy. All throughout my adolescence and youth, I felt as if out of place, not belonging and at times all I wanted was death to grip me and take me away. At the time I thought that as I entered adulthood that somehow that the pain, bitterness, frustration and even the fear would somehow fade away. Surprise! It did not!

Yet there was something within me that gave me hope. I did not understand it back then. Through all the mental and emotional pain and misery; at some level there was "something else". Yet in my bid to numb the pain I started to party-hardy with colleagues and co-workers at the time, and alcohol almost consumed me. I do not understand how or why, but this which I was feeling at the deeper level within me which I was clueless about and not able to understand, was somehow already operating in my life and keeping watch of me. This is the only way I know how to say or express it.

I was raised Catholic (not in season these days!) and through my pain I sought out different religions. I even ventured into the world of evangelicalism and it was there where I started to listen instead of fleeing and realized that there is an alternative to all I had been experiencing up to that point. What struck me the most of these folks was their fervent dedication to "Jesus" and their discipline through fasting and study. I lasted there only a year of course, as the pastor was ready to announce to the congregation that I was an eligible young bachelor and ready for marriage. Any takers? I ran out as fast as I could.

In 1988 I met a minister at another church service. She was a powerful lady and so I was surprised when she came up to me and invited me to dinner. I accepted and was thrilled at supping with her in her home. When I entered her apartment, I noticed that she had an extensive collection of writings :Bibles, Hindu, Buddhist, Zen, Zoroaster, Egyptian and Greek texts! She mentioned that she never discussed any of her work with anybody and swore me to secrecy. As we continued out conversation, I felt a lightness of being never encountered. And as the night progressed she assured me that I was about to embark of the journey of life, and that it would not be easy.

She said I would suffer even more pain and most of it of my own making. However she mentioned that I would persevere and eventually would find the light at the end of the tunnel. "Never lose faith" she said, and "never lose hope." Words I would soon come to embrace and honor and keep in the back of my mind.

Slowly realizing that I was a prisoner of my mind, I decided to take risk and be willing to lose it all! Yet I did not feel this in my heart only in my head and my journeys of "ups and downs" with more downs than I care to discuss, ensued. My life for the next five years became a twilight. I felt numb, there was a part of me that felt dead. Until I met Stuart Wilde at the Warriors Wisdom in 1993. Stuart and his friends there gave me the biggest and swiftest kick up the butt. I met other folks who of course were on their own particular journeys, and realized then that fear could be overcome.

In the nine years since, I have embarked on spiritual journeys and the discoveries I have been making since are nothing short of extraordinary. In a nutshell, I have come to understand that Truth and Sobriety are two powerful allies, that Forgiveness and Reconciliation are two powerful spears, and that Love is the Shield that sets me free. I used to have an adversarial relationship with my dad. During the last two years, and at a quickened pace this year, we have entered the state of mutual forgiveness and reconciliation. Next week we are traveling home to Puerto Rico to attend family functions together I would never dream of doing.

How did all this happen? Last year I attended a retreat by Theun Mares in upstate in New York. For 4 days we delved into the "Path of The Heart" and the vitality of the band of energy around the cavity of the heart. When we had our one on one he told me: "Get up and fight and stop being a wimp, stop feeling sorry for yourself and let go of this victim shit. Draw your sword and fight the good fight. Each person assembled here is a mirror to you, so look at each mirror and see what each is trying to tell you. Open up your closed heart which is filled with decades of cobwebs. Be a MAN! You are no longer a child, and when you open up your Heart, Love will enter and She will never leave you".

Yet how is all of this happening? I feel because I am ready, I am open and willing and receptive. There is still some stuff I do not understand. Yet I have forgiven those who abused and hurt me, and in doing so, have forgiven me and now my world is more balanced and more at peace. Yet I realize that there is an unseen evil, capable of much destruction, which feeds off the energy of the weak, pained and imbalanced. So I take no-thing for granted, grateful instead for this very breath and strength that allows me one more day of manifesting Love. And this Love, tender yet with deep roots in the eternal, can withstand anything and will remain even after all of us are gone. She is from before and IS, and although Her abode is in the Unseen, Her Own Heart is within Our very Own.

Much success to you and your endeavors. Continue to Keep the Flame of Love alive, continue to Inspire and Lead. The Heart of the Initiate is a Light in the Veil of the Night, welcoming Souls who have for a little while, ventured off course. I will join you some day soon, but not in December as I must continue this path of reconciliation with my dad and the rest of my family.

Godspeed and much love and warmth,

- Ed Rodriguez